Akatsuki's Halloween Bash
by Sihouette The Jellicle Cat
Summary: Itachi creeps out little kids, Hidan has twentyfour hours to carve a pumpkin, and Orochimaru shows his face? No wait, that's just a mask. Kakuzu dresses for the part, Sasori keeps a dead cat, and more! It's Halloween, everybody. And Akatsuki is so ready.
1. Chapter 1

**Akatsuki's Halloween Bash**

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AN: I'm back to writing crack... I'm sorry but all my other stories just make me sad... I can't think of how to update them... and my Interactive fic was a total bust. GOD DAMN YOU! It's all your fault... You loyal fans quit on me damnit damnit damnit! (I think damnit is my favorite word now...)

Deidara: No, it isn't, un.

Sasori: Yeah. Your favorite word is Perish, and The, and Thought.

AN: Ookay... Perish the thought, but-

Deidara: SEE! WE TOLD YOU, YEAH!

AN: How can I cut myself off..?

Pein: No clue.

AN: Anyway... Perish the thought, but, Tobi, the disclaimer please.

Tobi: Tobi and Co. do not own diddley squat so you damn lawyers GTFO!

AN: Good boy, Tobi... Very good boy... Anyway... ONWARD MARCH!

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Itachi coughed as he got ready to sing a song, on his next door neighbors porch. Poor kid... he was going to have nightmares for weeks. Itachi cleared his throat a few more times, and sang a few verses from Emo Kid. Finally, he was ready.

"Bonfires burning bright

Pumpkin faces in the night

I remember Halloween." He paused, to see if the kid was looking out his window. He began singing again, to see if he would come to the door.

"Dead cats hanging from poles

Little dead are out in groves

I remember Halloween

Brown leafed vertigo

Where skeletal life is known

I remember Halloween." By now the kid must've surely be ready to open his door. Itachi belted out a few more lines,

"This day anything goes

Burning bodies hanging from poles

I remember Halloween

Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween-" The kid opened the door, shivering from fright, and the cold brushing up against his bare legs. Itachi looked down. '_Shorts... how stupid._' Itachi prepared to sing again, when a black cat ran through his legs out into the yard.

"Candy apples and razor blades

Little dead are soon in graves

I remember Halloween

This day anything goes

Burning bodies hanging from poles

I remember

Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween

Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween..." He mused as he walked away from the now crying kid. It was done. He set the mood.

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Happy early Halloween everybody! Next chappie will be up soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Akatsuki Halloween Bash**

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AN: Two chappies up in one night? I'm on a fucking roll! And its about time I start giving my loyal fans what they want!

Sasori: Yes... About time indeed...

AN: Get out of that vampire cloak immediately. You're scaring Tobi.

Tobi: Tobi is... a good boy? DON'T EAT ME!

Sasori: haha...

AN: Trying not to laugh... save me Dei!

Deidara: I'm not catching you if you jump on me.

AN: Awww... So mean!

Tobi: Tobi and Co... don't own anything... cept your hearts! (No not even then.) But Tobi and Co. do own your reviews that you send our way. So send them pleaseell!

AN: ONWARD MARCH!

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Hidan sighed. First he had to put up the Christmas decorations and now he has to carve the pumpkin? With a kitchen knife no less! Kakuzu, sitting in that damn Squeezy-Soft(1) chair, snickered at him.

"What are you laughing at you damn, stitched up freak! You know, pumpkins are my least favorite... Are they fruits?" Hidan asked after his short rant. Kakuzu shrugged, muttering something that sounded vaguely like 'Google'. Hidan strained his ear out.

"What, old man? Losing your fucking vocal cords as well as your sight? Fucking pathetic," Hidan teased. The pink eyed uke stabbed the knife into the top of the pumpkin, and brought it around in a circle. He grabbed the stem and pulled it up. Inside was a dead cat.

Hidan stood up, holding the pumpkin. He dropped it and backed away. Inside was Mr. Lemons, Sasori's poor, abused kitty. Sasori, who was sitting on the couch the whole time, leaned over to look inside the smashed pumpkin.

"Ohhhh! That's where I left him! His blood grew a pumpkin around him! I told you he was magic..." Sasori then proceeded to fish him out of the pumpkin guts and caress his grotesque body.

"That's... just wrong, Sasori. Pein is gonna FREAK when he sees that. Oh and Hidan? You have to go back to the forest and get a new pumpkin..." Kakuzu chuckled at him and picked up a newspaper. The said missing nins eye twitched and picked up a scarf off of the floor.

"Konan herself is gonna fucking have a cow when she sees this fucking mess of a house. It was YOUR fucking job to keep it clean, NOT mine. I am not fucking responsible in any way." He muttered a few other cuss words, and then went on his way to the kitchen and out the back door. Deidara, who was quietly sitting in the kitchen sipping hot chocolate, stared at the screen door as it swung shut behind the silver haired Akatsuki member. After he swallowed down what was in his mouth, he called out to him,

"Don't forget your kitchen knife!" Hidan stopped and turned around. He gave Deidara the finger and shouted back.

"You can shove that fucking kitchen knife into your fucking wenis!"

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Another happy Halloween for you! I love you all, my loyal fanbase.

Maybe another chapter up tomorrow...

(1): Its like a bean bag chair... only its shaped more like a chair... Yeah. I made it up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Akatsuki's Halloween Bash**

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AN: Back again! Another day another chapter... If this one is less funny than the last two, I apologize. It's that time of the month if you know what I mean.

Sasori: TMI!

Deidara: Yeah, un!

AN: Er.. you said yeah twice in the same sentence.

Deidara: I know I did, yeah.

AN: DOUBLE WORDS!

Tobi: TOBI LIKES TOBI! What is Tobi and Co. talking about?

AN: I feel sick...

Deidara: We own nothing but... your souls! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Sasori: GET. THE. FREAKING. HELL. OUT. OF. MY. COSTUME.

Deidara: Kay...

AN: ONWARD MARCH!

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'_Shit..._' Kisame's thoughts raced as he ran from the next door neighbors yard to his own, safe, porch. '_Of all the things that could've happened, I didn't expect that!_' Kisame had just set a flaming bag of shit onto Mr. Greybeard's porch... and he rang the doorbell too late. The bag exploded, and the house was now a blackened war zone. '_SHIT SHIT SHIT! Pein is going to stuff my head and put me in his trophy case!_' That wasn't going to happen, however. Mrs. Stoney from across the street called the police.

"Damn you white bitch!" Kisame yelled at her as he hid inside his house. His sister, who hadn't got her share of their dad's shark genes, tsk'd tsk'd him. She then giggled as his face turned from total shock, to a very angry shark. Kosame ran out the door into the living room, and plopped down onto the couch, right onto Itachi's feet. She fished down into the couch for the remote, and turned it to Comedy Channel. Too bad for her it was on the TV Ban list that Kakuzu made.

"Kosame, that channel is on the Ban list. Do you want to make Kakuzu mad?" Kisame warned her. She didn't even turn her head toward him, just flipped him the bird and giggled at her favorite comic, Brain Regan.

"Ahaha.. What a retard. He is soooo funny. Hmm... I'm funny, I wonder if I could be a comedian." She snickered as Itachi's feet bucked under her weight. The strain on Itachi's face was comical, almost cartoon-ish.

"Kosame-Chan. Get off my feet so I can go to the bathroom. Please." Itachi begged. She blinked, as did Kisame. '_Itachi saying PLEASE? Its more unlikely than you think._' They both mused. Kosame got up, and Itachi bolted into the bathroom. She sat back down, and then fell onto her side.

"I'm going to go find out what Dad is doing this week at Sea World... See ya, sis." Kisame walked up the stairs, and turned into his bedroom. On his bed lie a sleeping blonde. Kisame blushed and poked his fingers together. He slowly went over to turn on his laptop. The beeping woke up the blonde.

"Huh... Oh. So that's where Sasori dumped me after I fell asleep, un... Bye Kisame-Chan!" Deidara ran out the door clumsily and tripped over the hallway rug. He stood back up with a sore face, and ran down the hall. Kiasme shrugged and turned back to his computer.

"Oh... oh my fucking goddess. DAD!" His dad's face was plastered to a model's body in a devil costume. Underneath the picture in white font was 'Happy Halloween, Son!' Kisame fainted.

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A little longer than I thought it would be... and I realized that almost nothing was said about Halloween! So put that last thing at the end.

Kosame is an OC. Yet I don't own her. Minty does. Please don't ask.

Hrm... Next chapter... the continuation of Hidan's adventure alone in the woods? Let's hope Zetsu is fast asleep...


	4. Chapter 4

**Akatsuki's Halloween Bash**

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AN: Another installment! I really enjoyed writing the last chapter... Let's see if I enjoy writing this one, as well.

Sasori: That would be quite... weird

AN: Oh so you didn't have another word so you used 'weird'?

Sasori: Right you are.

AN: WE own nothing. Also: ONWARD MARCH!

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Hidan kicked a stump as he trekked through the woods. The orange full moon over his head leading his way.

"Ouch! Jashin damned fucker! Fuck fuck fuck!" He cursed as he held his hurting toe. Something shifted behind him as he was tending to his foot. He stepped onto it slightly, and began his trek toward the pumpkin patch. Unnoticed by Hidan, vines curled around where he stepped, following him.

"Damn stupid Sasori and his fucking dead cat. Now I have to go nearly a whole mile back to the damn pumpkin patch... And I forgot my fucking scythe." The silver haired man mumbled to himself. A twig snapped some way behind him. He paused, and slowly turned around. In his face was Zetsu, carrying a golden retriever.

"What the fucking HELL Zetsu! You scared the shit out of me!" Zetsu grinned, his sharp teeth shining in the orange moonlight. Hidan paled, and backed up. The venus fly trap encased man stepped lightly toward Hidan, his grin getting bigger and bigger. The pink eyed priest bradished the kitchen knife in front of him, shaking noticeably.

"Boo." Hidan screamed as Zetsu lunged.

Back at the house, Deidara was finishing up the last of his hot cocoa. He heard a scream, and giggled. Kakuzu rushed in and whispered,

"What the fuck was that..? Was that Hidan?" He sat down at the table across from Deidara and spread his hands onto the cold wood. Deidara let out some muffled laughter, and replied,

"Zetsu found him, and he must've been horny again."

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:D I love this chapter. It's... genius, to say the least.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: I'M BACK YOU FUCKERS! Currently obsessed with Kingdom Hearts, and its been a whle since I wrote anything Naruto related.... SAD! Poor Akatsuki got neglected biiig time! Well for all those who are following this story, TIEM FOR MOAR AKATSUKI HALLOWEEN BASH! Aren't yall excited?

Sasori: Hmm... You do know, it's been a while since you wrote Akatsuki crack. Maybe you should try reading Jen's fics again...

AN: WTF ARE YA CRAZY?

Deidara: Yes I think so, un. Danna is a crazy batshit lady!

Sasori: Brat...

Deidara: Eep! Un.

AN: neways, I'm kinda so excited for Halloween. Hopefully once I start writing more Akatsuki crack, I'll be updaitng more recently, and I can get on with my depressed life.

Tobi: Disclaimer?

AN: Yes..

Tobi: Tobi and Co. do not own anything except their hearts.... PLEASE DON'T USE THE KEYBLADE ON TOBI AND CO., SORA!

AN: ONWARD MARCH! TO HALLOWEEN!

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Konan was giddy. She was a giddy ol girl with two feet, one mouth, and two hands. She clapped, she jigged, and she shouted from inside WalMart. Why was she so goddamned giddy? Because she just bought Kingdom Hearts 3. She ran amuck all over once it was in her hands, ending up at a cashier. She couldn't stop bouncing, and was afraid to hand it over to the clerk so she could ring it up... She looked at her employee badge. The clerks name happened to be Mrs. Fuck Off.

Smirking, Konan pressed her, " What kind of name is Mrs. Fuck Off? My name happens to be Mrs. Fuck Me... I'm bottom yanno!" The blue haired Akatsuki giggled at the Clerks bewildered face. The clerk just wanted to go home, so she could make Halloween cookies for her kids... and here was a customer barking up her tree. Well she happened to have dogs, not cats.

"JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN GAME SO I CAN GO HOME YOU STUPID FREAK!" What an outburst... It was like Sasori with his Neutrogena. Sad, embarassing, and pathetic. He really needs to get a new hobby. She mused, and handed over the game, reluctantly.

"Finally you stupid blue haired dumbass! OMG I'm gonna kill Patterson." Konan quirked an eyebrow at this clerks unneeded comment, and took out her clutch from nowhere. No one knew where it came form on her bodice, and even Pein was trying to figure it out still, having seen her good bits plenty of times before. She took out cash, about a hundred, and handed it to the cashier. She then took the game and ran out of WalMart, only ro run smack dab into a Sora cosplayer.

Shame for her, she thought he was real. "OMG ITS YOU! I LOVE YOU SORA! WHERE'S ROXAS?" Followed by a glomp and two security smack downs, she rambled her way home... with the game hidden in her bra.

When she arived back home, she noticed a putrid smell... She looked all over the floor, and screamed in disgust and horror. Sasori was rolling in smashed pumpkin, and licking Mr. Lemons, who looked dead. One of the Pein's then happened to jump up on her grill, and get knocked back down by Kakuzu's tentacles. Deidara giggled again from the kitchen.

Konan fell over, and turned into paper, only to be cummed on by Zetsu, who popped out of the grounf holding Hidan's cursing head. Another Pein tumbled into the living room, followed by Kisame and Itachi, who had feces smeared on his body.

This was a typical Halloween in their lives.

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Kosame giggled as she watched all this from the basement, having sneaked away from the chaos a long while ago. Behind her tied up was the remaining Peins, lined up in a row with their mouths taped shut, and their limbs cuffed together. She cooed and stroked the original Pein's hair, who trembled under her touch.

"Soon my friends... the zombies will rule." The basement was filled with insane laughter, only to be interrupted by Kankurou coming down and throwing a shoe at her head.

"BATMAN! WHY?" Loud piercing sobs filled the room.

* * *

It felt good to write that :D


End file.
